It has been a long hard road with D and lately I have felt like I may need to let him go. We love eachother but we are both so very damaged. I struggle with agoraphobia, depression, and avoidant behavior. D drinks and gets mean, he calls me names and gets violent. His anger triggers my panic attacks, self harm, and suicide attempts. We feed into one another's madness. I would let us both go down in a blaze of glory but we have children and my counselor pointed out that our behavior is going to teach the kids to be just like us. To be damaged. I cannot allow that. My mind tells me that I need to go but my heart is still hanging on. I cannot become my mother and selfishly hang onto a toxic love while it destroys my children. D is trying to change but I have heard it all so many times that I don't really have any faith that he can follow through. So I just mope around feeling like I am already alone. I am angry, I'm hurt, and I am scared of having to face the world alone but I already lived a life much too similar to this with my father......I am not going to perpetuate it with my children.
I told D that I might have to leave. I told him that me and the children need to be safe and us living apart might be the only way for both of us to get better. I don't want another man, I just can't be in a situation where I have to depend on D anymore. I practically do everything myself now anyway so it wouldn't be much different if I lived in a different house. He seemed to understand but sober rational D is much different than the drunk version that would prompt my leaving. I don't know what is going to happen.
I'm praying for a miracle but I know it is time to move on if he won't get better. It makes me sad. =( Why can't love just be enough? Why can't you love someone better?
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